Maintaining healthy relationships – especially romantic relationships – is, for many, an important part of life satisfaction and emotional development. But, for those with executive function disorder, finding and maintaining these relationships successfully can be more challenging. That is because traditional relationships often rely on our executive functions, and when those struggle, a relationship can as well.
What Are Executive Functions?
Executive functions are mental processes that a neurotypical person traditionally has that helps them achieve goals. For example:
- Working Memory
- Planning/Organizing
- Time Management
- Problem Solving
- Emotional Regulation
- Task Switching
On a broad level, these functions may not sound like they play a significant role in relationships. But functionally, these are all typically very important for someone that is trying to grow a relationship with their partner.
Let’s show how some of these may affect a relationship using real life examples. However, please note that these examples are not here to scare you away from a relationship with someone with executive function challenges, but rather understand it more, so that you can both address them together and learn skills to move forward as a couple.
Time Management
People with executive function disorder often struggle with something called “time blindness,” where their mind struggles to understand the concept of time.
In a relationship, an example of this might be spending *way* too long on the phone when they have tasks to complete, or “procrastinating” on an important thing because they assume they have a lot more time. Or making sure they’re ready for a date – like a movie – on time. They may also assume that stuff around the house will get done eventually, without thinking about how and when they need to do it.
Working Memory
When a person struggles with working memory, there may be situations when conversing with them or planning things with them becomes more difficult. For example, if you tell divvy up chores and ask them to handle a list of 5 tasks around the house, they may struggle to remember what they were asked to complete.
They may also forget things often, like forgetting they told you a story or forgetting a place that the two of you went together. When one partner expects the other partner to have these memories, it can be deflating and even sad when they seem like they forgot.
Problem Solving
Decision making can be very difficult for someone with ADHD and executive function disorder, and that may play a role in minor or significant ways. For example, asking someone to pick a restaurant or select a contractor for a home repair can be challenging, as the person may experience minor bouts of choice paralysis.
But beyond that, larger decisions that you have to solve as a couple can also be a problem. For example, if one partner is unexpectedly unemployed, and both partners have to work together to balance a budget, apply for unemployment benefits, etc., that can be challenging for the person with executive function disorder.
Emotional Regulation
One of the hardest issues for couples is emotional regulation. Those with executive dysfunction may have trouble regulating their emotions, becoming upset faster or more easily than one expects. They may also have a difficult time understanding another person’s point of view, not knowing and not able to see where there emotions could be wrong.
All of these are just some real-life examples of the ways that executive function disorder can affect a relationship.
The EFD Reality
One important note, here, is that we have to understand that the other person has a different reality than we do. It’s not a matter of choice. It’s not a personality disorder. It’s not someone acting in a way that they can control. Rather, it’s a developmental challenge, one where they did not develop the capabilities to handle some of these issues.
That means that they’re seeing the world differently. They have a different reality. We call this being neurodivergent. They are not processing and understanding the world the same way a neurotypical person does, and so we can’t judge them and react to them as we would a neurotypical individual.
With that in mind, knowing that a person has EFD and understanding what it means for your relationship can be a big help. Those with executive function challenges can still learn many skills and techniques to control them, and their partners can work together with them to solve issues and enjoy a very happy relationship.
Being informed and aware can make a big difference, as it helps you really understand each other in ways that will help you grow your relationship. It also allows the neurotypical partner to understand what they’re able to ask and talk about, and what they’re not, and how they can address those needs in other, productive ways.
Despite these being challenging in relationships, they are often something that couples can work on together. It starts by understanding the other person, and then finding the tools and strategies that will help you, as a couple, communicate and work towards mutual goals.