Parenting is challenging. It’s filled with frustrations. Sometimes, even when we know better, those frustrations culminate into issues like yelling – shouting at a child to do something we need them to do.
This happens often when a young child has ADHD. We need them to pay attention. We need them to do what they’re told. We need them to focus. At times, we may find that we are yelling at them, trying to get them to stay on task and pay attention.
It’s a common instinct, but it’s also a misguided one, and not only because – as parents – we want to yell at our kids less. It’s also because, in many ways, telling a child to “just focus” is similar biologically to telling a nearsighted person to “see better.” Their brain isn’t wired that way, and unfortunately, there is a risk that yelling will actually make things worse.
About Us
Long Island Counseling Service is a specialist in ADHD, providing counseling and therapy services for children, teens, and young adults with both ADHD and Executive Function Disorder. Our co-founder, Stacy Pellettieri, as a nationally recognized ADHD specialist, and has been featured on news reports and online articles. She also co-owns ADHD Training Center, which provides ADHD Coaching for both parents and those with ADHD, with services available nationwide. Please contact Long Island Counseling Services or ADHD Training Center if you would like support for your child – or for yourself.
The ADHD Brain and Why “Pay Attention” is Misguided
Those with ADHD are called “neurodivergent.” Their brains did not develop the same skillsets as the rest of the population (called “neurotypical”). That means that we have to stop thinking about what they can and cannot do, and have to understand that the way their brains work is not the same as we often assume all brains work.
Specifically, there are four *separate* functions that each make it difficult for someone with ADHD to focus, which explains why it is simply not something that most of those with ADHD can do. These include:
Dopamine and the Reward System
One of the most widely studied biological differences in ADHD involves dopamine, a neurotransmitter critical for motivation, attention, and reward-based learning.
In people with ADHD, dopamine transmission is often lower or less efficient in key areas of the brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex and the striatum.
Dopamine helps signal which tasks are worth paying attention to by reinforcing behaviors that lead to rewards. When dopamine transmission is efficient, a person can receive rewards from minor, otherwise boring tasks from a sense of completion, a sense or duty, or the minor rewards they receive for focus.
In ADHD, the underactive dopamine system means that routine or uninteresting tasks don’t feel rewarding enough to trigger sustained attention. This is why people with ADHD often find it easy to focus on highly stimulating or interesting tasks (sometimes called “hyperfocus”) but struggle with things that don’t offer immediate feedback or novelty.
Poorly Developed Prefrontal Cortex and Executive Functioning
Perhaps even more relevant is the underdevelopment of the prefrontal cortex of the brain. The prefrontal cortex, located at the front of the brain, is responsible for what are known as executive functions. These include working memory, planning, impulse control, task switching, and – critically – the ability to sustain and direct attention.
In ADHD, functional imaging studies (such as fMRI and PET scans) often show reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex, especially during tasks that require sustained focus or self-regulation. There is evidence that people with ADHD may not have a prefrontal cortex that is as developed, which in turn means that they’re not only struggling to pay attention, but incapable of it, as they haven’t developed the executive function ability.
This reduced activity makes it harder for individuals to:
- Hold information in their mind while working (working memory)
- Inhibit irrelevant distractions
- Maintain attention over time, especially during tasks that are repetitive or uninteresting
This doesn’t mean that the prefrontal cortex is broken – it means it is less consistently active in situations that require effortful attention, making everyday tasks more difficult to manage.
The Default Mode Network (DMN)
Another important system is the Default Mode Network – a network of brain regions that is active when a person is not focused on the outside world, such as during daydreaming or internal reflection. In individuals without ADHD, the DMN tends to deactivate when attention-demanding tasks begin.
However, in those with ADHD, the DMN often remains active or reactivates too early during tasks. This leads to “intrusive” thoughts, mind-wandering, and difficulty maintaining mental focus. The brain shifts internally even when it’s supposed to be focused externally.
Norepinephrine and Arousal Regulation
Alongside dopamine, the neurotransmitter norepinephrine plays a key role in alertness and attention. ADHD has also been linked to dysregulation of norepinephrine systems, which contributes to problems with arousal and attention control. For example, a person with ADHD might feel mentally under-stimulated during routine tasks and over-stimulated in chaotic environments, both of which can make attention regulation more difficult.
A System-Wide Imbalance
Each of these four issues makes it difficult to focus. Those with ADHD are struggling with all four of them. That shows that ADHD represents a network-level dysregulation in the brain. The balance between The balance between attention, motivation, and inhibition is disrupted across multiple systems.
The result is that yelling at a child to focus doesn’t work because it is systemically not possible, no matter how much we want them to. It’s not something they’re capable of doing simply because we ask it enough. It is a missing function of their developing brains.
Side Note: Interestingly, one way we can actually prove this is that children with ADHD are often able to focus on tasks that are high interest, high reward, and high stimulation – for example, video games and some sports. Young people with ADHD can thrive in those environments because they’re constantly stimulating and rewarding. This is known as “hyperfocus.” It is this ability to hyperfocus that can actually show us why these same young people struggle with less stimulating tasks.
Why Yelling Can Make it Worse
So, we’ve established that yelling does not work. But what makes this more problematic is that, scientifically, yelling actually has the opposite effect. For example:
- Stress – Yelling causes stress, and stress floods the body with cortisol and triggers a flight/fight response. Our bodies are *specifically* meant to lose focus so that they can respond quickly to potential threats, which means that stress will ultimately make focusing harder.
- Shame/Panic – Should the child know how to look focused or even push themselves to focus more, shame and anxiety can shut down the parts of the brain responsible for learning. So, even if they are focused, they may not be truly learning anything from their tasks.
- Tuning Out – Eventually, because children with ADHD already appear more capable of daydreaming and being in their own minds, kids with ADHD my develop “tuning out” as a coping mechanism. This will make it harder to listen to you in the future should you need to direct something their way.
Of course, there is also the potential for additional challenges associated with getting yelled at often, like increased anxiety and eroded self-esteem. But even on attention itself, yelling is counterproductive.
What to Do Instead of Yelling
We encourage you to consider ADHD Parent Coaching. This program is designed to address how to better parent a child with ADHD, and even though we are based on Long Island, our online coaching program through ADHD Training Center is available anywhere with internet access.
However, consider these ideas to reduce your yelling and support a child that isn’t focusing:
- Externalize Reminders – Try using timers, visual schedules, sticky notes, and other cues to help put the child back on task even when their mind wanders. Since the child is losing focus against their own control, these reminders can bring them back.
- Give Then Fun Little Wins – Little rewards that release some energy can be helpful for keeping them on task AND giving them mental breaks. For example, you can tell them that once they do two math problems, they can get up and do a silly dance. This “Gets the Wiggles Out,” rewards them, and makes the task more fun.
- Provide “Brain Breaks” – ADHD minds can be so active that solving problems can become overwhelming, making it even harder to focus. One way to help is to provide breaks. Using a timer, you can give them a one minute break in between problems, either to “zone out” and relax or to do something fun like jumping jacks to release their energy.
- Praise Their Effort and Focus – When they are focused, and when they have been showing they are trying to focus, make sure to give them a lot of praise even if they do not get the answer right. We want to teach and reinforce the focus behaviors, rather than worry too much about the outcome of those behaviors.
Perhaps, more than anything, we have to remember that “doing their best” is actually especially true of children with ADHD. They are not lazy, and their lack of focus is not a choice. Thus, we have to recognize that our frustration is misplaced. We might be frustrated that we’re not seeing what we expect, but our expectations are based on a neurotypical world. Our neurodivergent children often have other things that represent progress outside of grades, cognitive abilities, and more.
Seeking Help
Still, we recognize that this can be a challenge for anyone. We do not live in a world that was created around the needs of neurodivergent individuals, and so it’s natural to feel frustrated when our child isn’t performing what we need them to in order to function in a neurotypical world.
It’s okay to seek help. Your child – AND YOU! – can work with our therapists to address mental health issues and provide one on one support, or you can connect with a coach at ADHD Training Center to get help there instead.
Don’t be afraid to seek help, and not just for your child. While early interventions are a great way to put your child on a path to success, there is nothing wrong with you – as a parent – also getting the support you need to feel more comfortable and confident with how you parent your child. Reach out to us today to get started.