Stacy Pellettieri, LCSW-R Co-Founder at Long Island Counseling
Calling all parents and educators! Let’s get real about “back to school!” For years I’ve seen well thought out posts and articles outlining advice that tells us that preparing for September means we must create a routine together, start going to bed early and getting up early and get supplies beforehand. This is not bad advice at all, but preparing to go back to school needs to meet the moment. In this moment “back to school” preparedness should include more of the readiness parents really need to truly understand how they can effectively show up for their children in today’s digital world.
Learning the most effective parenting tools you can to support your kiddos goes beyond helping them wake up that first day and getting used to having a schedule. It’s about resilience in a world that is piling on the pressure, rewiring their brain and wreaking havoc on their nervous system. There are tools and strategies you can learn and implement right now that can ensure your child is getting the support they need to start off on the right foot in September.
- Don’t Internalize: The Behavior of Others is a Reflection of What is Inside of Them, Not a Reflection Of You: Self esteem starts with knowing your worth and not basing how you see yourself based on the attitude of others. Teach your kids when someone attempts to drag them down in comments on social media or group chats to question what might be going on with that child to make them act out this way instead of allowing this to have them questioning their own value. (Hurt people hurt people)
- Belonging is Tribal: The Need Is Safety: We all just want to feel safe, and for kids school feels safe when they have their tribe. Kids seek out friendships not only for fun and socialization, but for survival. They want to know they have their person to sit with at lunch, play with on the playground, or sit next to in class. Help them to navigate this by allowing the space for play dates, joining clubs, or joining teams. Support their need to socialize and monitor the friendships they engage in to ensure they are having healthy interactions. If your child is struggling with friendships, talk to the school. Gain a better understanding of what is going on and see what recommendations they have.
- Balance!, Balance!, Balance!: No, I’m not talking about workload or activities. Balance their strengths and weaknesses. When the school year starts we spend way too much time focusing on what they aren’t doing well. If they are struggling in math we make them go to extra help math, take math lab and see math tutors. They spend more time doing what they aren’t good at than what makes them flourish and build on self worth. It is important they do their best, but they aren’t going to excel in everything and that is ok. Balance between helping them to try their best and forcing excellence where it isn’t necessary. Spending time on what they love and what builds on their identity is most important. Make sure there is room for it.
- See Them: Know your child and meet them where they are at. See them. Know where you end and they begin. We spend way too much time projecting our need for approval, success and validation upon our child. They are not extensions of us and they do not have to be good at all the things we were good at and enjoy the thighs we enjoyed to be happy. Manage your own anxiety and don’t put responsibility on them for you to feel good as a parent. (I say this with kindness!)
- Filter The Peanut Gallery!: Way too many people think they are parenting experts and know what your child “should” be doing and how you “should” handle things! This could be friends, neighbors, grandparents, etc. Trust your gut and the professionals! Just because someone is telling you what they think you should do to handle something with your child does not mean they are correct! Filter the information from each source and do your own due diligence. Not everyone will agree with your parenting style and choices and that is ok. It will make for a lot less pressure for you and your child throughout the school year if you are not letting too many cooks in the kitchen!
- Reward Effort, Not Outcomes!: Success and happiness is about trying our best and putting forth effort. If we do not reward efforts and only outcomes we are reinforcing the wrong thing – leading to shut downs and not long term resilience. If your child legitimately tries their very best at something (like a math test for example) and they don’t yield a grade that you feel they “should” be getting, criticizing, shaming, or giving consequences isn’t going to make them better at it! Hey, like we said, they tried their best. So if trying their best counts for nothing, why should they keep trying their best? If their best at algebra at this moment is a 65, then celebrate the 65. You always want to reinforce them trying their best or they will give up. Taking something away is not going to make them better at algebra if they have already put forth all of the effort they can. It is the act of trying our best that get sus places in life – not excelling in everything!
- Extracurricular Activities: Be reasonable and realistic! It is ok if your child doesn’t have anything to do on a Tuesday afternoon. It is also ok if your friend Shiela’s kids are enrolled in 18 activities. Kids can enroll in something they enjoy and want to spend more time doing and learning. But they don’t have to be perfect at it, be the best, or do something every day. Don’t give into the pressure that is coming at you from all of the other children and families around you.
Being a parent can be challenging these days and going back to school is a stressful time for so many of you. Taking these tips and slowly working them one by one into your lives will help!
You’re not expected to know it all and that’s why we are here to help!