We live, in many ways, in a society built around being neurotypical – being a person whose brain develops and functions in a way that we expect them to function on average. Not only are there very few resources and support systems for someone that doesn’t fit the mold of what an individual should be, but the way that we’re taught to do teach, train, parent, and more are all designed around neurotypical individuals.
If you’re a parent of a child with ADHD – or really any special needs – you know how difficult that can be. Children with ADHD are considered neurodivergent. Their brains function differently. They process information differently. They respond to tasks and needs differently. What we know about the world is often from a neurotypical perspective, so when we’re faced with situations involving neurodivergent individuals, we may not have a response ready.
This is especially true of parenting. If a neurotypical (NT) child doesn’t do their homework, we can say “Hey! Focus on your homework right now!” and the child will often focus on the homework. But if we say that to a child with ADHD, the child may not realize they were distracted, may not understand why we’re upset, and may not be capable of focusing any differently in the future.
Why This Matters
If we’re a parent to a child or teen with ADHD – or anyone that is neurodivergent – then, rather than try to force the child to act as a neurotypical individual would, we need to instead re-adjust our own understanding of how the min functions and what it responds to.
We need to train ourselves out of neurodivergent parenting, and learn a whole new way of thinking and reacting that is built around NT individuals.
Let’s look at this in practice.
Imagine you have a 20 year old daughter. You want her to be responsible for setting up her own doctor’s appointment for a strange discoloration on her skin. You tell her to schedule the appointment.
Weeks go by and the appointment is not scheduled. You get frustrated. You might say “why are you waiting for me to do this?!” or “Why have you not started?” You both have an argument. She makes excuses, and *maybe* schedules it right there or tells you she will do it later.
If your child is NT, maybe this works, maybe it doesn’t, but perhaps your child learned something from it. But if your child has ADHD, then they likely also have executive function disorder (EFD). One symptom of EFD is poor “Task Initiation.” In other words, they are, essentially, much less capable of starting a task they need to start. They don’t have the ability, nor do they have the concept of time and urgency. You can read more about EFD here.
Now, if you know they have ADHD and EFD, do you think being frustrated and yelling at them will help? Will it teach them anything?
Chances are, the answer is no, because they are neurodivergent. Their minds are simply not capable of initiating tasks. All the time you spend frustrated and angry doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help her, because that anger is based on the idea that a child is NT – that a child could have learned to do it and simply didn’t, rather than the child does not have the executive function capabilities to do what you asked.
Training Yourself Out of This Mindset
So what can you do?
People become very focused on trying to figure out what they can do to help their child. That’s important, certainly, but the problem isn’t always them.
Instead, you will need to work on training yourself out of what your child needs and instead learn what it is that you need. How can you teach yourself that what you know about parenting is NT, and not necessarily right for ADHD teens?
What do you need to control your frustration, and rethink how you view teaching and punishment as a whole?
Remember, when you’re frustrated with a child that has ADHD, not only do they get nothing out of it (because they cannot control their ADHD), but you get nothing out of it as well. There really isn’t a benefit for you to be stressed about these issues, especially because they’re only issues if you view them from the lens of an NT world.
Next Steps with Long Island Counseling Services
Here at Long Island Counseling Services, we work with adults and children of all ages, and ADHD is one of our specialties. We can work with parents that are struggling with this type of stress, and even provide ADHD parent coaching for those that would like more specific individualized or group help.
Let’s talk. Contact Long Island Counseling Services to get connected to one of our team members, or to learn more about our ADHD-related help and programs.